Never in my career, when I was in school, did I become an honor student or even got the covetous Latin award. And I can’t help myself get envious of their momentous success if I listen to someone’s valedictory address. Hearing like that made me want to have their exceptional wits, and made me wonder if I was going to dish their mind out and place it in mine, would I be like them? Like those who fit so well in this competitive world.
Why have I never been a recipient of honor? It all started during the days of my grade schooling. I had difficulty in understanding our school textbook at that time of my life, even if someone tutored me. Therefore, I usually lost focus on the lessons discussed by my teacher. While my classmates shared their passion for education, I just imagine things and want the classes to be over so that I can enjoy my favorite shows on Cartoon Network. From that time on, I realized I was far too different from the bright children who, as predicted by their parents, would someday be a physician, attorney, politician, and other careers that were most regarded.
When I was in high school, it began. I never forced myself hard to study because I knew that I couldn’t be as good as my classmates wearing eyeglasses. My high school goal was just passing it. Never aimed to be on top because regardless of how hard I studied, even burning all my eyebrows by studying lessons late at night, I could never get a chance to be a Validator. And why do I have to worry about myself, right? High school life is supposed to have been spent in life doing fun things because it’s the time of your life when you’re really old. I have to experience falling in love, staying out late at night, browsing in the street, occasionally skipping lessons, and sleeping over. With that in mind, particularly in mathematics, I never forced myself to absorb bits of information. Such tangents and co-tangents, 360 degrees triangle, have never been my buddies to solve problems, as a result of which I have taken several exams in mathematics topics just to get a passing mark.
Then came college. It’s been a very different life. Realizations have been a hard strike at this point. How I wished I was studying hard at high school so I wasn’t distracted by all the stresses that college life required. I was humiliated because of my bad grammar, and because I was a communication study, my poor public speaking skills. In comparison to those of my peers who spoke and wrote well-polished essays and speeches, my logic and thinking skills were not well developed. Three times I would have taken Trigonometry before I lost it. When I was in college, I felt hopeless, the classic’ what ifs’ showing up in my head like’ what if I studied hard at high school? What if I took all the opportunities to enter extracurricular activities so that my interpersonal skills were highly developed,’ but I couldn’t turn the time back. I thought it was my fault, not in my experience at high school.
What motivated me to improve was to see the deceit in my parents ‘ eyes as I showed them my grades. Especially knowing that my older sister is constantly on the dean’s list while I’m the alone loser who is luckily able to get nearly passing grades, it’s kind of depressing. My parents are just working hard to send me to school, though I wanted to see, even if they didn’t express it, that I was doing my best for all their toils. I’ve done that. I’ve done it. So the fruit of my struggles, with any recognition and distinction, I graduated from college on time without.
I began to experience the real cruelty of life after college. I proved that all my parents ‘ life advice was true. That outside world is really the fittest life, and it’s a really close competition. That’s certainly not good enough for me. I’m just good for nothing, a-nothing-young-immature-guy who doesn’t know what his life is all about but just having fun. However, particularly if you don’t have connections, not all will be offered on a silver platter. So I started with sweat from the edge. I couldn’t stop thinking about previous events in my life when I was on the edge, I had so much fun that I forgot to plan for my future. I made terrible mistakes, my young age was meant to be the starting point for a backbone.
I don’t think it’s too late to adjust at the end of it all. Maybe I’m not the one who delivered valedictory address or decent enough from anyone, but I’m shoving myself to fight harder to get an ass in this competitive world that runs through self-righteousness and people’s names as well.